Dealing with Fear and Imposter Syndrome

I don't know when I realized this, but things are so easy when you're young. You don't really think of yourself at a critical level. You're in school, have friends (I think...??), have hobbies you're sure you won't ever fall out of love with, and spend your free time evaluating the world around you and contemplating that even if life sucks in the present moment, it will get better eventually.

Then you grow up. I'm with Peter Pan on this one. You suddenly find yourself caught up in a world filled with things like self-doubt, self-deception, imposter syndrome, fear, "idk-anymores", shame, guilt, having to do this right otherwise people will think you're a piece of shit, etc. - all the while being told by everyone around you that persevering will get you a lot farther than you think it will. I really don't want to be cynical about the world - I really don't. I'm saying this because it wasn't until recently that I realized just how much my own thoughts of myself and whatever strengths I had were weighing me down. And honestly, it wasn't until I realized that I was putting myself down so often that I sort of understood how important it is to pay attention to your own needs.

One word : GRADUATE SCHOOL.

Does anyone remember those interest inventories from high school? They could've been given to you by your teachers during class when the topic-of-the-day was "CAREER ASPIRATIONS" or whatever, or quizzes you took online with your friends (or by yourself), or social media questionnaires. These quizzes would prompt you to fill in bubbles to answer questions about which activities you preferred.

In all honesty, even during high school, I wasn't sure what I would be doing with my life. Everyone else around me seemed to have it all figured out. I would always see people in the hallways or in club meetings discussing this, advocating for that, being a part of this, talking about that. I was that one loner who sat in the corner of the cafeteria doodling in a notebook, headphones plugged in, minding my own business. Maybe you could find me in the corner of the library on the 3rd floor quietly flipping through books I found that would get me through whatever insecurity decided to present itself in my life.

Because of these insecurities, it was a dark time for me when I did those quizzes. I found out that I would always skew my answers a bit toward things that sounded medical because I was pretty sure I'd look fine in a doctor's coat. Also, Asian parents 😀. So, following my slight cheating, all those questions would lead to a super technical graph showing the jobs you should pursue.

Then life hit. College hit. Or so I thought (for the life part). Whatever life that hit me after graduating high school, and possibly college wasn't nearly as tough as what hit in the middle of graduate school. Basically, after high school, I realized the medical field wasn't for me because I just didn't want to spend so many years in school slaving away and after looking through medical school coursework when applying to colleges, my brain and all its sanity went "um, no thanks, I choose life". Okay, maybe I lied a little. During junior year of high school, I took a college psychology class and loved it and wanted to go down the psychology route when applying to colleges, but we all know how much Asian parents love mental health talk, right?

So psychology went down the drain until I very sneakily chose it to be my major and that was how it all went down. I thought I would be fine because I was a good listener. I probably listened to people more than I talked, that was what I was good at. So when I graduated from college in the middle of COVID-19 and it came time to decide whether it would be me going out to find whatever job I could with a BA in psychology or going upward to graduate school, I decided I didn't have much of a choice but to go with the latter. It also took a hell of a convincing to get my parents to agree to it because we also know how much Asian parents prefer you getting a job straight out of college otherwise you're basically useless.

Here is where the hell started.

Test anxiety is not my friend. I don't think it's anyone's friend. So imagine what it was like to see suddenly that the GRE was required when it wasn't the year before. In summary, GRE Quant is hard. GRE verbal wasn't that bad. But GRE quant was hell because the last time I took something high school math-related was, YOU GUESSED IT, during high school. Now a lot of people were like, you were a psychology major in college, you took math. No, the only math I had to take was statistics and that made me hate math even more. So there was the GRE. Then came the whole application process to various schools because I decided to choose school psychology as a "specialty area" (long story short, I love kids more than I thought I did after working in an afterschool and thought it would be so rewarding to be in a school setting being there for them, but not in the constantly-stressed-out teacher's way - so school psychologist it was!). The whole application and interview process was the most stressful thing. Writing a personal statement stressed me out, writing a statement of purpose stressed me out, waiting to hear back stressed me out, getting an interview stressed me out (I didn't sleep well that entire week), getting ready for the interview stressed me out, waiting in the waiting room for that interview stressed me out, getting interviewed calmed me and stressed me out at the same time (yes, that's possible, apparently!), leaving the interview stressed me out (it was via Zoom because COVID was still a thing), waiting for decisions stressed me out, getting the actual decision finally fulfilled a part of me.

✨ Pace University's MSEd-PsyD program School-Clinical Child Psychology ✨

It looks beautiful, doesn't it? Even if my mother refused to admit it, she was impressed and gave me lectures to always try my hardest and do well, and that was how I was going to do it. It's a 5-year program and I'd come out of it looking my best, doing my best, I'd get my doctorate, that's a big deal, right?! Instead of spending 20 years in medical school, I'd only have to spend 5 years in graduate school and still be a doctor! Not the type of doctor my parents wanted, but still a doctor (tee hee).

Let's fast forward into my current second year where I can't even tell if I regret this shit or not. I have finally realized why everyone says graduate school will try your patience like no other. I'm not going to go into much detail, but just overall, the whole experience has truly drained every ounce of enjoyment out of my body. It's not enough that every professor there is stressing "SELF-CARE" every 10 minutes, they're also the same ones who are assigning a SHIT TON of work like we don't have anything else to do with our lives. Do we have lives? IDK. With my best friend "ANXIETY" peaking every 15 minutes of everyday, it's hard to keep track and maintain focus.

High school was nothing compared to this. College was truly nothing compared to how humbling this whole experience would be. I thought I'd go into this fully enjoying it. Sure, I'd be stressed out, but I'd come out of it a new person. I'd learn a lot (oh, trust me, I did), grow a lot, and overall, just be more mature (I'm trying, I really am, cut me some slack!). I get it, this whole thing is a work-in-progress and that progress is slow, the learning curve is slow, and you'll fall more times than you can count. If only I could get back up. I'm pretty sure most of us agree this entire thing is total hell. I give all my respect and my sincerest envy to any kick-booty women out there who found what makes them fulfilled before their 20s, but, for most of us, it's as much of a myth as Prince Charming. Though I sound like a cynic, I speak from the heart and mind of a dreamer. I wanted that shiny white coat and all the promises of success. Nevertheless, I bawled my eyes out multiple times this entire second year, and most of all when I thought I'd be successful, but was hit with a huge wake-up call.

I'm writing this not to discourage anyone from graduate school (although, please, please, PLEASE go into it with some sort of mental stability or please go seek mental stability). I'm writing this because I am genuinely tired of feeling how scared I was that I was going to give up. I'm writing this because I am genuinely tired of trying so hard and feeling as if nothing is coming back to me. I'm writing this because I'm scared of feeling scared. Of feeling tired. I never thought I was weak and strong at the same time, but now that I'm forcing myself to keep going to see what I'm going to get out of this, it's there. Anyone can be weak and strong at the same time (there's no such thing as "but I'm so weak" or "but I used to be so strong") - it's called dialectics.

I miss the easy times. The times when it was okay to slack off, to take a break, to slouch on the couch and pretend that nothing was going on that needed my attention. I guess this is for growth. There are things that I'm not content with, but then again, I don't think I was ever content with anything, with any of the choices I've made. This doesn't mean that we can't find happiness and fulfillment in what we do. The magic of it is that we don't owe the world a perfect dream life where we have our shit together. You don't have to know exactly what you want or where you're going. You can try and fail or try and get bored on a hundred different paths. They're paths for a reason. All of this is completely and perfectly fine. I guess this is the hardest part - that no matter what high school guidance counselors, pushy family members, or social media is telling you, you don't need to have it all figured out.

I wanted to believe if I worked the hardest, sacrificed the most, and persevered the longest, I would reach my goals (I still do). But, that is just not how life works. Sometimes you can work as hard as you can, with all the passion in the world, and the door still does not open. Opportunity still hides in the distance. Dreams slip through fingers and success floats away on the wind. Pursuing your dreams is not a straight path lined with open doors and rewards for hard work. Instead, it is often a rocky path filled with potholes, obstacles and setbacks. I'm trying to live life by my favorite quote "There would be no cloud-nine days without rock-bottom moments left below" (it's on my About page).

I'm writing this for future me, and all those wondering if they've made the right choice, to know that the right choice isn't for anyone to decide. In fact, the thing we have to worry about probably isn't a "choice", really. It's the direction and the strength of you and your legs to walk down that direction.

These times are hard. I'm praying these trials have a purpose and meaning at the end of the road.

Keep going.