Why Vulnerability is Beautiful

The most beautiful people aren’t those who always come across as confident, successful, and put together. True beauty can be found in the moments when a long day finally gets the best of you and you allow yourself to have a full-on breakdown. True beauty is admitting you made a mistake and accepting it. True beauty lies in the moments when you embrace your faults and accept the fact that you’ll never fully live up to others’ standards. Because letting yourself be vulnerable is just as hard as achieving the perfect winged eyeliner or molding your body to fit into a size two.

WARNING: this will be a super long post and super personal compared to the others because I'm caught up in emotions (and because this is my space to vent anyways hehe)

Being strong is a trait many cultures find to be invaluable, teaching people from a young age that being ambitious, smart, and untouchable will bring you the most success in life. I can’t even begin to list out the number of times I was told by my parents that being “weak” is unacceptable and that sometimes you just have to “suck it up.” But how can you ever know the true meaning of strength if you’ve never known what it’s like to be completely broken? Perfection has never been, and will never be a societal norm, so why are we always trying our hardest to make others believe that we are, indeed, perfect? Because sometimes, or most times, it’s terrifying to embrace our weaknesses.

Before you can truly find your strength, it’s important to understand the meaning of vulnerability. Webster’s Dictionary describes vulnerability as "the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally." What the English dictionary can’t tell you, is the ways in which embracing that vulnerability will improve your life.

Okay, so it's not just being a Sagittarius that has made me so proud, let me take accountability here…

I am a hella tough cookie, and up until this year, I was very stubborn, and if you tried talking to me about things that I had already set my mind on in the last couple of years, you probably got a look from me that looked like this (😑). Overly opinionated, right, I agree. I also have a massive self-inflicted problem of trying to control things in my life. (Not people, sort of), but everything else in between; and if I have trouble with that in one way or another, another layer is added to my onion-ness. Literally. I mean, there's a lot of uncertainty in life anyways, so, the things I can control, I do try to. Sometimes too much!

Unfortunately for me, as people go, I am quite unlucky. Not in a negative/sabotage way, just by default, but I’ve learned to live with it and accept it! Sort of. My answer to everything is "sort of". But so far, the way I deal with the unluckiness in my life is to either laugh or cry - and by cry, I mean lock myself in a room and throw stuff at the wall. *Disclaimer* VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

I find it very hard to cry in front of people. I can explain an absolutely devastating situation with calm and poise. I’ve trained myself to detach. This isn’t healthy but, it has been my survival tactic and thus far, it's worked. I’ve recently had this conversation with a few of my friends. It turns out, the only person who has seen me very openly cry was my longtime best friend from 4th grade (we're still close friends now, and I'm sure she's tired of my annoying her).

Looking back, I can see how my tough-cookie energy has dominated most of my life. People often think I’m crazy when I say this, as I appear very feminine and baby-faced-looking, but in my head, I’m a trooper and nobody can say anything about it.

It took until this year to really see the error of my engrained ways and the unhealthy habits that I had developed. This realization was thanks to one of my practicum classes with a dear professor/therapist/I don't even know how to describe her, she's too great for words, ugh. But to be completely honest, the vulnerability came from another student, also a dear friend, about the loneliness and hardships she felt coming in (context: this was because it was the last class we had with this professor before switching sections, and it set all eleven of us into a spiral of emotions and tears. And then we went out drinking later that night, but anyways, that's a different story). Looking at it now, it was the first time I felt myself sort of (THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN) opening up and being able to see myself holding in all my emotions until I couldn't anymore; and even then, I still tried holding myself back from breaking down in tears the way some of my friends did. Our vulnerability as a group just threw me off, and it was at that point I realized, I needed to have a word with myself. A turning point isn't it?

I realized I was so heavy with emotions, and couldn't really show it, because I related to what my friend said. The loneliness and hardships and breaking down crying at home alone because it had just gotten too much for me to handle were there, I just never admitted it. I never admit anything. So, off I go on the journey to uncovering my own vulnerability. I must point out, although this realization was because of a group conversation with our professor, the conversation continued at home with, DRUMROLL, my mother. Still can't see how I went about doing that with someone who I tried so hard to be strong and perfect for and in front of, but that's that.

During the conversation, I told her I used to pray to be strong enough, smart enough, and good enough. I just wanted to be enough. This time, possibly the first, she heard me. She heard my words and my thoughts and replied "that's exactly what you've been doing your whole life. You've trained yourself to become so mentally strong to the point where if anyone tried to break it down, you'd probably have a fit with them and with yourself." She's not wrong though. And in essence, she admitted and pointed out that my emotional and mental habits were due to my childhood trauma, most of which have remained, to this day, unresolved. Sort of. Also a different story.

It's important to realize that everything you are is a result of what you've experienced. As a human being, you're shaped by your reactions to the world, bit by bit, little by little. And before that, everything that you learn to react to is shaped by watching how your caregivers react to the world. Personally and growing up, I watched my mom react to everything with just pure anxiousness and "if you're going to do it, you're going to do it all the way and do it right, otherwise don't even bother". The same went for showing people your true self. Her words were something similar — "do your best, show your best, or don't show it at all". Do I need to say more, or is it obvious why I'm like this now? It's literally how I react to everything in my life. Do it right or don't do it at all. And unfortunately, it's also the standard that I've held others in my life to, and even judged them, sometimes openly and sometimes in my head, for it. I've spent the majority of my life shutting myself out from the world and refusing to let other people in because of it. The mistakes I've made in the past because of this can't possibly be amended, and I think I'm still making mistakes as I live and move on with life, but I'm also changing and learning. I hope.

From my experiences and my Sagittarius nature (just going to blame everything on my zodiac at this point), I have always wanted to prove myself: my strength and my worth to others, instead of opening up, being vulnerable, or even worse the emotional ‘victim’. Now, you can be a victim of emotion and feel hurt and sadness for a short period of time, but you have to realize and accept that everything you do is a choice. You can choose to stay in an unhappy situation, or you can choose to move forward. A good analogy I've read somewhere is that "you're not a tree, you are not planted or stuck. You can move and run and live as you wish". Another analogy is "ships don't sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down". Deep, man; super deep.

More often than not, you can't control the situation, but you can choose how you react to it. Life, just like happiness is a journey — not a destination, so as my wise friend says “we move”. It's hard. It really is. If we, as a class, didn't open it and let our guards down, even if it was just a little bit, and take small steps to be vulnerable, I probably wouldn't have realized in time how each one of us is going through our own sufferings, hiding behind that mask of "I'm okay". And now we tell each other that we're always going to be there for each other no matter what, I trust that we'll live up to it, seriously. People will be there for you through it all if you let them be. If you let them in and show your Squishmallows. I mean, your truth. Each and every week, each step that's taken, I feel like it's a process where you learn to grow and let a piece of you shine. Totally worth it.

And where do we go from here? It's about time we normalize not being okay all the time, we are all human and we all feel an infinite amount of different emotions — daily. We also need to let go of the idea that being productive is the only way to be successful. COVID lockdown was a prime example of this: some people stressed themselves out trying to look busy and some people just rode the waves! Rest is, just as, if not more important than, whatever the task or job is. We are not put on this earth to work until we die, regardless of what some people believe. Enjoy what you can, when you can, and if you can’t, remember that everything is constantly moving and changing — just like the phases of the moon. Somedays you’ll feel whole and others you won’t, and that is completely normal. You don’t have to pretend to be okay if you’re not. That's what the healing journey is like, whether you've been openly vulnerable or not.

The healing journey is never easy, you'll always have those high and low points. One day you can have the widest smile on your face, and another you can stare blankly at the ceiling with tears falling. I've been through both, and both were days after the vulnerability lesson in class. It sounds cliche, but healing isn't linear. It doesn't happen overnight. Each day you're shedding the old you and becoming the new and better version of yourself in time. Grieving your old skin is normal, but with the new skin after you've been vulnerable, what you're going to experience will be radiating with happiness. A butterfly doesn't grieve its caterpillar form after a transformation. It just lives with the fact that it's a butterfly the world wonders at.

Things I learned about being vulnerable at age 24:

Beautiful relationships and powerful love are rooted in people’s ability to let their walls down. You’ll never make a lasting connection with anyone if you’re unwilling to open up about your fears and the things that keep you up at night — small talk and binging the latest buzzworthy Netflix series can only go so far when it comes to finding the people you want to spend your life with (this goes for friends and relationships alike). Love and pain go hand-in-hand and finding a love worthy of your time and energy are only possible when you let someone in on your faults and all the things that make you truly beautiful.

Going after what you’re truly passionate about comes with a lot of self-doubts and the potential for failure. Ever wonder why people don’t go after their dreams and feel complacent with their lives? Sure, being a bank teller may give you the steady income you’ve always hoped for but are you excited about the day when you wake up? It’s not easy to chase a dream and finding success in the things you love doing means facing failure — but if you can say you love what you do at the end of the day, isn’t it worth it? Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the face of adversity will give you the strength to achieve the things you’ve always wanted. Take it from me, yes, I’m pursuing a (maybe part-time) career as a writer and, quite literally, am a full-time doctoral student, but my list of failures is already a mile long at 24.

Whether you choose to show your vulnerable side to those around you or keep it to yourself, you’ll find allowing vulnerability in your life will only make you a better and stronger person. Life isn’t easy, and it comes with a lot of struggle but when you allow yourself to truly examine the things that make you feel your weakest, you’ll find that the solutions to your problems become a lot clearer. To me, true beauty can be found in life’s most turbulent moments, the moments that make you want to give it all up. The most beautiful people know when to ask for help. They know it’s okay to admit to your mistakes and most of all, they know vulnerability is a part of life worth embracing.

For me, it’s all about balance. I am trying my best to open up by accepting my divine feminine energy and possibly witchiness, ensuring my inner spiritual being is in balance, and at peace. I am still trying to release the need to control. I am reminding myself to feel and accept the moment for what it is and with that, acknowledging that some days might be more Yin than Yang. I do trust the timing of my life and I believe that everything will always work out as it should.

In conclusion, it all comes down to accepting yourself and understanding that perfect doesn’t exist. All you can ever do is give your best and I promise you, that whatever your best is, it’s enough. It's hard and it takes time, but stop worrying about what other people think of you and what their opinions are. Putting yourself out there is truly beautiful even though it can be scary. Rejection is scary, it's a fear we all try to avoid when we think about being vulnerable, but when you let go of thinking of all the bad outcomes, you are opened to new beautiful things that would never have been discovered.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what people think of you is their business and not yours. My favorite line in ‘Call to Courage’ is "if you are not also in the arena, getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback” — Brenè Brown. With that being said, sometimes you don’t need to be in the arena working your fingers to a bone. But if you aren’t, don’t judge the people that are. Vulnerability is the very making of who you are and it is what makes you special. Harness it and use it to propel you forward in the pursuit of your dreams.